Friends and Connectedness: How Do I Find a BFF???

“I don’t seem to have any close friends and I’m lonely.”

I seem to hear this a lot from other women, and I've felt this way myself. As I have gone through various stages of my life, I’ve noticed that my friendships change: when I moved, when I changed jobs, when I went back to graduate school to change careers, and especially when my marital status changed. While I have remained close with some of my friends through the years, others have drifted away. And then there are those that I rarely see because they live in other parts of the country, but when we get together or talk by phone, it seems we pick up right where we left off.

I recently came across a fabulous explanation of friendships that made a lot of sense to me. This “anatomy of friendship” helped me begin to clarify where I am with my friendships now and where I want to be. Shasta Nelson, CEO of Girlfriend Circles and author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen, has created “Circles of Connectedness” which brings a new way of viewing and approaching our friendships.

She has five categories of friendship and they are on a continuum from the casual acquaintance to the “best friend forever” (BFF) and everything in between.

• Contact Friends: We have a shared context (work, school, church, etc) that gives us something in common. We typically don’t see them outside of our shared context.
• Common Friends: We intentionally spend time with these friends outside of our shared context. We are initiating time together, having long conversations, and seeing each other on purpose.
• Confirmed Friends: We have a deep connection with these friends, but we may not have regular contact with them or be involved with day-to-day life.
• Community Friends: We intentionally spend time together beyond the area we have in common. We have a deepening relationship and see each other with more regularity than our “Common Friends.”
• Commitment Friends: We intimately and consistently share our lives with each other. These are the friends we are most committed to, our BFFs!

The important thing to notice if you are looking for a BFF (Commitment Friends) is that all friendships begin as acquaintances (Contact Friends). In other words, friendships don’t just happen; they are developed over time and with some effort. For a more in depth explanation of the Circles of Connectedness model of friendship, check out Shasta’s blog post.

Read more from Stacey on the GROW Counseling blog.